When I was 14 years old I started to develop my own sense of style in fashion and music. I remember going to the gypsy fair and being absolutely fascinated with their art and lifestyle. I would buy CD’s and listen to them all the way through religiously for months on end. I rented out and watched every DVD in the “Festival/Art House” section at Video Ezy. I had this picture in my mind of the girl I wanted to be one day. She was beautifully confident, dressed in minimal clothing that would have made my 14 year old self feel uncomfortable and she was dancing alone at a music festival because she wasn’t a wall flower. She didn’t care for your opinion of her because it’s none of her business, she wasn’t afraid to be her authentic self and she radiated confidence. I didn’t understand the power of this vision and I had no idea how I could possibly attain this image in my mind or that it was even at all possible.
When I was 17 years old I started my health and fitness journey. I distinctly remember writing down weekly weight loss goals (Yes, I was weight loss OBSESSED but that’s for another blog) and a lifestyle vision. I threw the old journals out because they made me cringe so much but for this instance they would have been perfect. I wrote a paragraph on how I envisioned my lifestyle to be in an ideal situation, I wrote things like:
- Join a gym and go 3-5 times a week
- Have a steady consistent job that I enjoy
- Save money and be able to go on trips overseas
- Focus less on partying and more on my health
- Be capable of looking after myself physically, financially and emotionally
- Have the confidence to wear the clothes that i wanted
I feel like this past year I became that girl who lived that lifestyle I had envisioned all those years ago. If only I knew at the age of 14 that it was in fact possible for me to be “that girl” that HAPPY, CONFIDENT, FUN, LOVING girl that I had dreamed of. I had manifested this vision of a lifestyle, personality and the feeling of who I was meant to be. I knew all along who I was it just took me time, learning and a whole lotta self love to get there! 2018 has certainly been one of the most challenging years for me but this has resulted in the most growth and learning I have ever experienced. I have developed a self care routine through out this year that has enabled me to stay….. well SANE really! By adding different tools and coping mechanisms to my lifestyle as a part of my process, I have been able to heal and explore deeper than I could have imagined.
I have learnt by many uncomfortable realizations that the saying “resistance is futile” is painfully true. I really was not aware of just how much resistance I had put in to my life. Resisting my reality by thinking things like: “I don’t want to be a single mother, I can’t do this alone” or even simply “I don’t like this feeling, this is uncomfortable I don’t want to feel this”. This resistance caused tension, friction, anger, fear and it honestly just slowed down my process so much. Living this way is like walking against the current, a current that flows freely and so beautifully if you would only allow yourself to walk with it. But allowing yourself to walk peacefully through the current means learning that it is okay to feel uncomfortable and learning to embrace your emotions even the yucky ones that no one would choose to feel. It is a very natural part of this human experience and crucial for your own growth. By resisting your emotions and reality you are essentially resisting your own peace, happiness and growth.
Acceptance has been the only way for me to work through the resistance I create and allow myself to flow through life rather than sit stagnant. I have had to accept the ramifications and disappointment that is caused by my own expectations. But first becoming aware of these expectations and how I place them so harshly on others was necessary. I place some rather high standards on myself and for the most part uphold these. My ego had thought it would be a great idea to place these same standards on the people in my life. You must have purpose, direction, intention if you even want to talk to me, You must drop everything to be what i need from you, why are you so lost you should understand your journey by now…… right? Why are you so doubtful you should trust your higher power and relinquish your power to it freely. WHY AREN”T YOU WHAT I NEED YOU TO BE??! Why do you disappoint me, let me down and cancel plans? That is when I had to take a step back and a deeper look at myself. I realized that these expectations were firstly extremely unfair to place on anyone but also a selfish act of indulgence. I was essentially setting myself up for disappointment every time I had placed expectations on any person or situation. My mind set was not one of loving and accepting someone for who they are but rather envisioning what i want them to be or how I needed them to serve me and feeling hurt when that obviously did not happen. There is not one person in the world that owes me anything, it is nobody’s job to make me happy or fulfill me in any way other than myself.
2018 was a year of deep self discovery for me. At the start of the year I prayed to my higher power and asked the universe for growth and challenges because I was so eager to evolve and shed the skin I was in. I set my intention and truly meant what I said, I was ready for change. There is no way I could have anticipated the amount and level of changes I encountered throughout the year. Everything that I asked for I received plus more. I am extremely proud of the way I have transformed my life and handled some very overwhelming emotions. I have come to a new level of understanding my own power, my own beauty, intelligence, love and worth. I have set my intentions very clearly for this year and with my new found ability to trust the process I know for sure where I am going. I am in a place of peaceful alignment with a very grounded connection. Its like I ‘m constantly so excited for things that I don’t even know are coming, but I trust this feeling. I am open to all of the universe’s blessings and beautiful offerings. I pray that this new year will bring about more connections, peaceful flow, adventures, love, acceptance and stability. I am so happy to have started this journey with you all, sharing, connecting and supporting one another.
Thank you all so much for your support and love through this past year I can’t wait to see what we will achieve in 2019!