“How do I give love when it’s serving only you?”
Crossfire by Nai Palm
So here I am, a 24 year old single mother writing her first ever blog post. A year ago I would have shuddered at those words “single mother”. Certainly a place I never thought I would be at this stage of my life, but I’ve accepted my reality and am embracing the journey. The break up of a relationship is never easy, the dismantling of a family unit is extremely difficult to say the least.
I am constantly facing new challenges and I’m gradually getting deeper in this separation process. I never truly know how far I am, if I’m going backwards or forwards or even around in circles.
This whole situation has been very confronting, uncomfortable and challenging. In my weaker moments I seek comfort; in the familiarity of my ex, the attention or desire of other men, sex and physical pleasure, praise or worship, fantasizing about a non reality and my vices.
I have worked through a lot in the last 6 months since we separated. I have grown and discovered so much about myself and for that I am so grateful. I think I’m ready to unpack more now, especially as I am aware of not letting in new distractions. Although the idea is extremely tempting and much more attractive than going through the process. I’m trying my best to stay focused and prioritize my own journey over mindless interactions and instant gratification.
So let’s unpack it then……..
Perhaps one of the most feared interactions a human could anticipate. Especially in relationships, especially regarding sex, especially from someone you love. The feeling it brought is still settled so deep within me……it still hurts. I want to process the hurt and turn it into learning…. maybe even empowerment?
I’ve always been a very self assured and self aware woman, I know who I am and what I’m about. I know I am intelligent, articulate, beautiful, sexy, desirable, worthy. But when all I possess and have to offer is met with rejection am I still all of those things?
Am i still intelligent if I stay in a relationship with someone who doesn’t want me? Am I articulate if I cannot find the words to tell him my hurt? Am I really beautiful if the only person that I am attracted to does not reciprocate the attraction? Am I sexy or desirable if the only man I want to touch me couldn’t bear the thought?
In short….fucking obviously yes! I am still everything I believe I am. Yes Cushla you possess every ounce of beauty and intelligence that god graced you with. There is no single human that can diminish your light or worth. Well no single human other than myself of course…. My worth is determined by my own measurement and my own practice of self love. On my fucking terms!
Logically this all makes perfect sense and really is quite simple. Love yourself so much that no one could ever make you question your worth. Love yourself so much that you establish healthy boundaries that enable self respect. Love yourself so much that you do not require a man’s desire to feel worthy and powerful.
But there is no logic in feeling and we all know I LIVE in my feelings….. couldn’t change that for the life of me!
So what’s next in this process? Where even am I sitting in this process? Well I’m at least conscious of this and willing to work on it. I am at a good place on this self love journey where I am becoming more and more equipped to deal with these deeper issues.
I want to end this with an apology, forgiveness and a promise.
I am so sorry I allowed myself to place my worth in the hands of a man. I am so sorry that I questioned any part of myself due to rejection. I am so sorry I stopped loving myself when I felt unloved.
I forgive myself.
I don’t judge myself.
I did my best with the tools I had at the time, the knowledge, experience, maturity and the relationship I had with myself. I still did damn well to take care of myself as I did, work on other issues, work on my physical health, begin a new career, take care of my babe and remain sober.
I’m not going to say I will never make these mistakes again or I have completely healed the unhealthy dynamics I form with men. But I promise to love myself through it, I promise not to judge myself. I promise whatever I go through will only make me stronger and more capable.
Damn girl, I really do love you.